I decided to put this on here mainly because I haven’t made that many posts lately so I figured I could write this and it might go unseen. This isn’t meant to be over of those whiny nobody likes me posts. This is a genuine post coming from a person who is really convinced that I’m going to spend the rest of my life alone. Most of you don’t know my age and def don’t know that I’m divorced. I’ve always tried to look on the bright side of things but it is getting increasingly difficult. I know I’m not what is classically considered pretty. I’m def not thin. I have emotional issues…but dammit I am a unique and fiercely loyal person. I have a great sense of humor. I’m a pretty intelligent person. I just don’t see what is so wrong with me. I’m not typically the girl who gets her selfworth from her relationship status but lately I have been feeling more and more unwanted….undesirable…unloveable. When I look in the mirror I see nothing. Oh god I said I wasn’t going to make this post like this. I honestly am not looking for sympathy. I just needed a place to vent these feelings of self loathing. I know me and I know my habits. If I don’t vent then self loathing leads to self harm. I’m almost scared to post this because I always hide behind laughter and laying myself open like this is very uncomfortably vulnerable. I apologize to any of you who had to scroll past this to get the graphics from others on your dash. And to anyone who might have read this I really do appreciate you taking the time to read something that was difficult for me to write. Good wishes and blessings to you all.
My mother is doing better after her suicide attempt. Still not fully coherant but she is getting better and better. I’m so emotionally drained after this.
On a brighter note, Travis and Mariah are letting me keep the kitten I was watching for them since I’ve bonded with her so much. I’ve decided to name her Hecate.
I don’t normally make personal posts but I’m making this exception. My mother suffers from mental illness. It’s something that has hindered our relationship my entire life. She would take off and disappear for years at a time. I grew up being used to my mother being gone. Since I’ve become an adult she has tried in her own way to have a relationship with me. I’ve tried with her as well. Recently we’ve gotten closer. Partially because I know she has nobody else in the world. No family. Maybe 2 friends. Anyway, 4 days ago my mother took a whole bottle of pills. Long story short, she’s been in a coma and on a breathing tube. I have had to be the one making all her medical decisions for her. I never realized how much I do love her until this happened. I just received a call that they removed to tube and she is starting to try to wake. If anyone reads this please take the chance to tell your mom you love her if you can. You never know what’s going to happen.